


This Journal Belongs to Ben Solo

by Lady_of_Haven



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Visions (Star Wars), POV Ben Solo, Rey’s parents death, Sith Eternal - Freeform, kidnapped Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_Haven/pseuds/Lady_of_Haven
Summary: The voice is not my friend.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 95
Kudos: 49





	1. Ben age 10

_ The voice is not my friend. _

_ For as long as I can remember, it’s been there. Keeping me company when my parents were busy or away. My constant companion. Always questioning. _

_ Innocent questions. _

_ Slanted questions. _

_ Malicious and insidious. _

_ Looking back, I think they always were. I just couldn’t tell. _

_ Six months ago, I woke from a dead sleep full of hope. Soon after, I found the mirror in my mind and in it, I noticed things that I have not before. _

_ My parents love me. They grew up in a very different universe than what they are trying to build for me. _

_ My uncle is making it up as he goes along, there’s no one left to teach him. _

_ And the voice... _

_ What felt like interest and concern from the voice, reflects in the mirror as manipulation and possessiveness… as if dark wisps are reaching for me, trying to pull me away from the light. _

_ I challenged the voice today, reflecting it’s game back. It mocked me, asked me where this new attitude was coming from and I reminded him that it was he who taught me to question… Everything. _

_ The darkness receded. _

_ It waits. It watches. _

_ What does it want from me? _


	2. Ben age 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice hates my mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not going to post every entry into Ben’s journal. This one takes place a little over 2 years after the last entry.

_ The voice hates my mother. _

_ She meddles. Her standards are too high. She’s never pleased. _

_ The mirror shows me her tears.  _

_ Frustrated at the bureaucracy, the schemes of others, the greed— At herself, that she can’t do more. _

_ Something in one of her endless meetings bothered her. Next I know, we were traveling in the Sevetta sector to Kowak, a small outpost built near an old shipyard when we came across a group of smugglers. _

_ Dad had talked his way out of the blasters they held in our faces and mom had been unusually silent as we shared our food. _

_ There was something not right. _

_ I was not the only one to feel it, Uncle Luke faded into the shadows and our “hosts” seemed to forget that he’d ever been there. _

_ I’m not sure why bending someone’s mind should be considered the light side of the force, seems pretty dark to me. _

_ I tried to sleep, like mom told me. _

_ But the mirror. _

_ Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the mirror, and in that mirror was the memory of dinner and the way the smugglers kept looking at a box. _

_ The feeling surrounding the box was a mix of curiosity, anxiety and helplessness. _

_ So I snuck down the ramp of the Falcon, sticking to the shadows and circled the camp until I came to the box. It was locked and I grew frustrated but my mother put her hand over my mouth and reminded me to be quiet.  _

_ “It’s not safe,” she said motioning to Luke behind her. _

_ Luke unlocked the box with a wave of his hand, (I know it wasn’t his hand. I felt the force moving.) When it opened I was shocked. _

_ Inside was a young Quarren male, obviously drugged but he felt… familiar. _

_ “Hennix,” my uncle whispered. When my mother turned to stare at him, he added. “He’s a force sensitive that I had been talking to, he disappeared from Mon Cala last week.” _

_ Uncle Chewie came from the shadows and picked up the boy, fading into the darkness and I followed closely, back up the ramp into the Falcon. _

_ He placed the boy in my bed, patting my shoulder as I pulled up my covers over him. _

_ A little while later, I felt the ship rise… rapidly, breaking the atmosphere with a roll. _

_ We are being pursued. _

_ As usual. _

_ I covered Hennix’s body to keep him from falling to the floor and felt the mirror pulse with curiosity and concern. When I closed my eyes, I felt it. The boy’s mind was reaching out in fear.  _

_ I closed my eyes, trying the mind calming exercise that uncle Luke taught me and felt it reflect in the mirror, joining to surround the fear.  _

_ “You are not alone.” I heard the mirror whisper. _

_ The mirror has a voice.  _

_ Peace washed over all of us and I recognized my uncle even before I opened my eyes. And I wasn’t the only one, the boy opened his eyes too. _

_ “Master Luke.” _

_ Hennix is nice, his presence calming. He’s going to stay with uncle Luke. There’s going to be a training temple. _

_ I was invited. _

_ I told my uncle that I would think about it. _

_ Hennix kept looking at me during dinner. I think he wants me to join them, but there’s something that holds me back. I asked to show Hennix my room before they left, and I tried to explain that I wasn’t ready yet, but he just asked me one question. _

_ “Who is the girl?” _

_ What girl? _

  
  



	3. Ben age 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice is amused by my father.

_The voice is amused by my father._

_It thinks he’s arrogant, foolish and gullible._

_The mirror shows me how survival drives him. That he’s afraid of letting us all down. The fear that he’s not enough._

_I identify with that last one. My parents are heroes. People look at me wondering what kind of great things I will do._

_I was meditating as uncle Luke taught me when the memory of someone saying that came to mind. ‘We expect to see great things from you.’ Then it got so cold, I heard breathing, raspy, labored, almost mechanical. The mirror pulsed and she reached for me, and the cold left._

_But the feeling stayed with me, so I went looking for Dad._

_Flying the Falcon always blows things out of my head. Uncle Chewie lets me sit in the co-pilot seat now. I have almost mastered the hyperdrive. I spent the rest of the afternoon looking for the short in the system that lowers the landing gear._

_Dad finally asked me what was wrong. So I gave him a list._

_Mom spied against the empire. He said “yes.”_

_You made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. “Yes.”_

_You and uncle Luke blew up the first Death Star. “Yes.” (Chewie said he had helped.)_

_Mom saved you from Jabba the Hutt. “Listen, kid.” Did she? “Yes.”_

_Uncle Luke faced Vader and the Emperor, while you and mom took down the second Death Star shield so uncle Lando could blow it up? “He had help, but yes.”_

_“Ben, what’s wrong?”_

_I didn’t need to feel the warmth coming from the mirror to know that Dad loves me, but it was there. I didn’t want to make him mad, but he asked so I told him._

_I don’t want it._

_He was confused at first, but then I think he got it. Dad is a lot smarter than mom gives him credit for._

_He sat right beside me, shoulder to shoulder. The way he does with Luke when they talk and he said something I never want to forget._

_He didn’t want it either. He was just trying to help his friends. To do what he thought was right, in the moment he found himself in._

_To be in the moment sounds like something Luke would say, and the mirror agreed, showing a memory of Luke._

_She adores my dad._

_Dad also told me that he didn’t have a family growing up, that he had to make his. Chewie, Lando, Luke… your mother._

_He is so gone for mom._

_He told me the story about how they met again and we laughed._

_By the time we went into dinner, the feeling that had disturbed me was gone._

_Uncle Luke talks about letting go and about the danger of forming attachments, but after talking to dad, I think attachments keep the light alive._

_Otherwise, why would we act?_

_The light from the mirror glowed in acceptance and I touched its surface and saw the inside of a cockpit. There was a man in the pilot seat and a woman bending down with a piece of meiloorun fruit. The feeling coming from the girl was happy and content._

_So she’s real. Hennix was right. I can’t wait to tell him._


	4. Ben age 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice is afraid of my uncle.

_ The voice is afraid of my uncle. _

_ Luke visits every month and the presence flees, taking his voice with him. _

_ The mirror shows several images of my uncle. The one when he first arrives is detached, tired. It shows Luke as he relaxes with my parents, as well the one he hopes to be— although that one is blurry. The Luke that leaves always seems so much stronger than the one who arrives. _

_ Curious. _

_ And of course, his students accompany him. It is always good to see Hennix again.  _

_ Hennix likes her, we meditate together when my uncle visits, and he was excited to feel how much stronger she has become, of course that brought questions. When they found out, uncle Luke was wary and my mother looked frightened.  _

_ I had to explain. _

_ About the nightmares and the voice and the fear that had tried to detach me from everything. And how it had all changed in the mirror. _

_ My uncle joined our meditation, mom even closed her eyes. I realized how long it had been since I felt my mother’s mind, she is so strong. _

_ Uncle Luke says it feels like a force bond, or what the texts say a force bond should feel like. But usually force bonds are made when 2 force users are together. He thinks this one formed when she was born and he’s going to search for more information and meditate to ask those who have gone before. _

_ That was curious. He talks to Obi-wan, Yoda and Anakin… all of them force ghosts. Mom did not like him talking about that. _

_ Hennix says he can hear them when they talk to “Master Luke” sometimes, but they do not speak to him.  _

_ So when we meditated this morning, I asked her if she wanted to try to talk to them but she wanted to watch first. _

_ It has gotten easier to clear my mind, to feel the ‘force’ that connects everything. She calls them threads, and I understand the thought. But it’s simplistic. Then again, she is four years old. _

_ ‘They watch you,’ she whispered as I meditated. _

_ I felt something, but it was pulled away and it left with regret. _

_ She reached out to soothe that feeling and I felt it change to acceptance. _

_ As he was leaving, I asked uncle Luke about the force ghosts and was verbally assaulted by one of his students, a girl, telling me I should call him “Master Luke”. _

_ As if. _

_ I looked at Luke and said nothing. It is not my place to correct his students. She was not impressed that I was ignoring her. My mirror wasn’t either, she thought I should defend myself. _

_ The student must have felt it because she started to put herself between me and my uncle as if I was a threat to him. Then, she became furious at my amusement.  _

_ She’s emotionally reactive, I told the mirror. Luke has his work cut out with this one. _

_ Luke sent her to the ship. _

_ When he turned back to me, I informed him that I would not be joining the training temple, but that I looked forward to our discussions. _

_ He surprised me. He understood. _

_ He not only understood, he gave me a gift.  _

_ A cube. _

_ He told me we would discuss my findings when he returned. _

_ But I had to set it aside.  _

_ There is something off in the world of my counterpart. She was pulled away quickly.  _

_ I touched the mirror again and closed my eyes, it was dark where she was and everything was bouncing. It took me a moment to realize she was being held and whoever was carrying her was running.  _

_ ‘We are moving again.’ _

_ Again? _

_ She closed her eyes and I felt her mind push close to mine, almost like a cuddle. ‘My mother is afraid,’ she whispered. _

_ Your father? _

_ ‘He loves us.’ _

_ Good. _

_ I stayed with her until she fell asleep and then went to bed. _


	5. Ben Age 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice is a hunter.

_ The voice is a hunter. _

_ Uncle Luke and mom have been sending urgent messages back and forth for months. I am interning in her office and there has been a couple times that he’s even asked me to pull her out of a meeting. _

_ Someone is hunting force sensitives. Several have been found dead, or disappeared. It makes me concerned for my girl, her family has moved five times in the past year. Uncle Luke is wary of her coming to him, he is up to 17 students, 4 of which has their families with them. _

_ That’s a lot of people to move. _

_ Mom has the Tantive IV ready to pick them all up.  _

_ When you are being hunted, you need to stay mobile. _

_ The cube my uncle gave me is on lightsaber forms, taught by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. I have grown proficient in Shii-Cho, Makashi and Soresu. Ataru and Shien require a partner, I think and feel… abrasive. Niman was extremely easy for me, but I highly doubt I’ll build a double bladed weapon. My girl likes Niman too. _

_ Master Jinn refuses to teach something called Juyo. I did find some writings from Jedi Council member Mace Windo about the forms and I read them to her one night as she fell asleep. _

_ Touching the mirror works both ways to see into the other’s world. She’s very fond of Chewie and R2 when Uncle Luke is around. _

_ I was meditating on the hunters when I heard a whisper, cautioning me against fear. Upon hearing it, my girl showed me the cube in the mirror, so I thought back to the whisper; but Master Jinn, doing nothing will lead to force users being killed or turned. _

_ The whisper chuckled. ‘Another who sees and feels pressed to act. Guard your motives, young Ben.’ _

_ Is it not the force that shows us? Are we not to move in concert with it, not against it? _

_ There was no response. _

_ Less than an hour later, I had another call from uncle Luke. When I tried to go get my mother, he said he was checking in with me. _

_ I told him about my progress with the cube, my work in mom’s office and my studies. I told him about Master Jinn and my frustration at not getting an answer. _

_ Apparently, they do that a lot. _

_ Uncle Luke asked for my help. He asked that I look into the fall of the Republic, before, during and after the Clone Wars. He’s going to send Lor San Tekka to help. _

_ At dinner, Mom and I discussed the missing force sensitives. She had a report from a family member that one girl who had disappeared had suffered with nightmares and had changed from a sweet, affectionate child to an angry bully at school. _

_ I reminded my mother about the dark voice that had tormented me before the force had protected me with my mirror. _

_ When I told her about Lor San Tekka’s impending visit she looked relieved. He’s to stay with us while Dad is away, which made me curious.  _

_ Are we in danger? _


	6. Ben age 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the voice, I am a threat.

_ To the voice, I am a threat. _

_ If I can not be used, I am to be destroyed. _

_ While my girl is furious, I had to laugh. _

_ The duality of the response caught him off guard. Good. Let him stay in the dark. _

_ Dark _

_ He’s obviously a darkside user and that means he's power hungry. _

_ I need to train. Wonder if uncle Luke has any more cubes. _

_ Lor San Tekka and I have traveled to many planets looking for the truth that led to the rise of the Empire. A lot of the records have been destroyed, or were hidden. Our latest stop is to see an old friend of uncle Chewie on Takodana. Maz Kenada calls Chewie her boyfriend, my girl’s giggles might have escaped my own throat a time or two. Maz is older than she looks. She lived during the fall, and her memory is long. We have many more places to look for information now. Tekka is pleased. _

_ I was leaving the fresher when I felt a breeze caress my face, which was odd because there was not a window, only stairs leading down. There was a young girl crying out for help and I went quickly down the stairs. I could feel the force drawing me to a door and it opened for me. The room was full of boxes and furniture and supplies. Storage. The cry was coming from a chest, and I could feel the curiosity pouring out of my girl.  _

_ So I opened it. _

_ Inside was a lightsaber and before I could even wonder what it was doing there, I reached out and touched it. _

_ The room around me fades and I see a man, drawing a woman into his arms. “Happiest moment of my life.” Then a small boy, full of fear, “Master Skywalker, there are too many of them.” I suffocate on an overwhelming amount of grief and rage, then there is heat, a fire that consumes, “I hate you!” The woman in pain, crying out… “There is still good in him” as the cold grips her tight and she fades as the sound of a respirator breathing grows louder, then darkness. I turn towards the sound of my mother, screaming and call for her, but then the hall tilts and I fall to the floor, barely missed by lightning that flows over my head as an exhausted voice says, “Tell your sister, you were right.’ I stand to see Hennix dead at my feet, the temple in flames, seven warriors in black tearing the buildings apart and I close my eyes to let the horror go until I am flooded by a feeling of peace. I smell the ocean and open my eyes to see an island, and on the island is the balance of all that is in the universe. The voice of a woman has me turning, “don’t worry, I feel it too.” She is beautiful and I feel the pull to her side, but then we are back to back fighting an enemy I can not see on a field of red… and then… an image of the mirror in pieces. _

_ “Young Solo.” I turned to find Maz standing in the doorway, looking at the saber in my hands. _

_ “I have to go,” I told her, handing it out to her. She shook her head and told me to take it. I ran. _

_ Once on Tekka’s ship I opened a channel to my parents and told them to get to Luke, taking charge of the ship as soon as Tekka asked me what the hell was wrong. _

_ The Falcon was already on the ground when we arrived, the students running towards it in evacuation. I received coordinates from Chewie of the Tantive and watched as they took off and made the jump to lightspeed. I stayed in the shadow of the moon, wanting to see if the feeling I had was correct. When the black ship entered the atmosphere and immediately fired on the temple, Tekka took charge of the ship and we jumped to meet with the others. _

_ Uncle Luke contacted Tekka, inquiring about me. I couldn’t respond, I was thinking faster than I ever had in my life, totally overwhelmed. When my mother called my name I finally was able to speak. “We need to talk.” _

_ They were all on the flight deck when we landed. Chewie was escorting the students to quarters with Hennix, Voe and Tai helping with the young. _

_ I marched up the ramp of the Falcon, my family behind me and Dad shut us in. _

_ I showed them the saber and uncle Luke immediately nodded in acceptance. _

_ I told the three of them that I had questions. So I asked: _

_ Anakin Skywalker is your father. ‘Yes.’ _

_ He fell to the dark. Mom said, “Ben’ while Dad and Luke said, ‘Yes’ _

_ He was Vader. “Yes.” _

_ Why? Mom looked at her brother and Luke answered, ‘If I had to guess, the Emperor used our mother.’ _

_ Do you know who she was? ‘He calls her Padme’ _

_ When I said the name Padme Amidala Naberrie from Naboo Mom gasped, tears in her eyes. _

_ Just when my hand full of questions turned to a million more we were called to the bridge. It was all over the holonet, Senator Leia Organa is actually the biological daughter of Darth Vader. _

_ Chaos was shaking the Republic. _

_ I asked the captain for permission to use the communications array. Pulled out my data sticks of all the information I had been able to find that had been scrubbed out of the public documents of the Jedi, the late Senator Amidala and the rise of the Empire and did a data dump. Then I started typing. _

_ Senator Amidala saves children from Vader’s fall by hiding them from their father.  _

_ Luke stood behind me and helped me with a timeline. I knew the ghosts were talking to him, I could hear the murmurs, but not make out the content. _

_ I typed and typed. _

_ Until everything I had learned from the state of the Jedi before the clone wars, the manipulation of the Senate by the Emperor, the fear of discovery of their forbidden relationship, pregnancy, my grandfather’s fall to try to save the woman he loved… her death. The dark times. Then, the stories I had heard since birth, how my mother had been a part of the resistance, how she met my father and a boy from Tatooine who would turn out to be her brother, Death Star I, the hutts, Death Star II and how the fall of the Emperor would have never happened without Aniken Skywalker reaching out to help his only connection to his beloved wife. How he gave his life to have his son be able to tell his sister, “You were right.” _

_ I ended with this: And now the darkness is trying to rise again. First strike, to sow distrust towards the ones that defeated it before. It is afraid. It has reason to fear. But I tell you now there is only one thing needed for evil to triumph, the lesson we all should heed from the fall of the Jedi. _

_ Evil triumphs when good people stand by and do nothing. _

_ I will not be silent. I will not be idle. Evil is coming and I will prepare. _

_ It will not prevail on my watch. _

_ My family was staring at me as I pressed send to the packet I simply entitled: This is the Journal of Ben Solo. _

_ I didn’t give them a chance to respond. I left the bridge, boarded the Falcon and closed the door to my room behind me. _

_ When I reached out for my girl, she was already with me. Warm, proud and curious. _

_ ‘Aren’t you afraid’ she whispered. _

_ I had to smile. Of course I am, but fear is part of life. It only turns dark when it freezes you or makes you overreact. Fear is an excellent teacher. It makes you cautious, tells you what needs to be examined. It also tells you what needs to change or be let go. _

_ Fear is a part of us, but it should never rule us. _

_ I can feel her confusion. _

_ Are you safe? ‘I think so. Mom and dad feel peaceful, if wary.’ _

_ Then something occurred to me. So I told her, My name is Ben. _

_ I could feel her smile. ‘Hi Ben, I’m Rey.’ _


	7. 3 months later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice is Snoke.

_ The voice is Snoke. _

_ Mom’s return to the Senate was victorious. There are many who remember the name Padme Naberrie Amidala, and for the moment who her mother was is drowning out who her father turned into. Although there have been reports from sectors out in the rim that remember the name Aniken Skywalker as a hero. _

_ My mother chose to use this moment to speak on Seintent Rights. The laws of the Rupublic do not allow slavery and yet, it is everywhere. She told them that until we enforce the laws we have, we are no better than the regime we replaced.  _

_ There were several systems that objected to that, including a member from the reaches whose name is Snoke. He spoke of how they mettle on worlds they know nothing about, the arrogance of the core putting it’s will on the outer rim when we can not even keep them safe from criminals, offer them clean water or healthcare. As he spoke, my mind raced to figure out how I knew him. He is so familiar. _

_ So I asked Rey for her opinion. When she touched the mirror to look through my eyes I felt the rage pouring off of her and that’s when Snoke’s eyes met mine. _

_ Got you, I thought as loud as I could. He ran. _

_ I told mom to get Dad and Luke and I gave chase as he headed towards the spaceport. Snoke felt eager for me to follow and I kept his attention so focused on me that he almost failed to recognize Luke between him and his ship. The lightsaber battle that ensued stunned me so much that I can not even describe it now and Luke had him down, until a sniper started to rain blasts down on us. _

_ I ignited my grandfather’s saber and stood to guard the back of my uncle, deflecting shots away from him until we both got to cover. _

_ Snoke was gone. _

_ A review of ships that left Hosnia make us think that he is headed to the unknown reaches. Which is a large and dangerous place to go looking for a darkside user. Vids of Snoke with his red saber have been passed out to the newsfeeds. No one wants the Sith to rise again.  _

_ That it was us that exposed him seems to have rid the family of the Vader label, for now. _

_ Things settled down in the aftermath. Luke and Tekka think they might have found the Island I saw in my vision. The entire system is uncharted, it would be a good place for the young force users to train in safety. The Tantive is heading there now with the students and their families. _

_ I am continuing my studies with the cubes I discovered on our journey. I didn’t tell uncle Luke but I also found an obelisk. The voice of Master Jinn had told me to take it. It wasn’t like it was safe for me to leave it there. And… It feels— important. _

_ I spend my early mornings working on my forms, then help in my mother’s office. We talk all the time now, we sometimes disagree, but at least her point of view is always reasoned, even if I don’t agree. We eat dinner with my father or other members of the senate. She’s always networking. Which is a good thing, the Republic is now building an army. It’s going to need one. _

_ When I meditate in the evening, all the tension of the day fades. Odd details connect, motives are exposed. Master Jinn says the Force shares knowledge to those who listen. Well, I’m listening. I just have no idea what to do with any of it yet. _

_ And I can’t help but feel like we are missing something. _

_ Rey? _

_ ‘Hi, Ben.’ _

_ Are you safe? _

_ There’s a feeling of unease coming from my girl. ‘I don’t like this planet.’ _

_ Where are you? _

_ ‘I don’t know. It’s hot, and there is sand everywhere. Dad says we can get parts from the graveyard to fix our ship. I am waiting under a tent while they find a ride.’ _

_ They left you alone? _

_ ‘Silly Ben, I can see them, they’re right…’ _

_ Fear and shock grip me and I put my hand on the mirror. There is a dagger sticking out of her father’s chest as her mother screams. _

_ REY, RUN! _

_ I send a signal to my dad to meet me at the Falcon, grabbing my bag as I fly past my mother and her guests. _

_ Sand. Heat. Graveyard. _

_ It has to be Jakku. _

_ I hear my girl scream and stop to place my hand back on the mirror. _

_ The men in black from my vision are there, searching for her. _

_ I tell her: Run Rey, hide, I’m coming. _

_ Chewie already has the engines warmed when I get there and I yell Jakku as I run up the ramp. As soon as my father had the Falcon breaking atmosphere Chewie told him the navicomputer was ready. We made the jump and Dad asked me if Rey was okay. _

_ I told them that her father was definitely dead, her mother was captured and the warriors in black were looking for her. _

_ The next 12 hours dragged. Rey had curled in on herself, an exercise we have practiced to hide her from other force users. Which might keep her safe, but I could barely feel her either. _

_ I trued to meditate but the darkness I used to feel stretching towards me was definitely reaching for my girl now. I wish her father had agreed to travel to the island with Luke, but he was reluctant to trust the son of Darth Vader with his precious daughter. _

_ When put like that I cannot blame him. _

_ I could have asked that she come to me, but I’m only sixteen. How would I have protected her from those killers. _

_ By the time we got to Jakku, the sand had covered the bodies of her parents. I pushed down my heartbreak on her behalf, eager to find her. _

_ I closed my eyes and reached out, there’s not much life on this planet, but I could feel them. Those dark beings that were hunting my girl and I ran. _

_ When I crested the dune, I saw a being in black carrying my Rey up a ramp into a ship but a blast from a rifle pinned us down as the engines roared to life and I yelled at the departing ship to the top of my lungs. _

**_YOU CAN’T HAVE HER_ **

_ As we made it to space Chewie had us right on their tail in no time, but we lost them in a series of jumps. _

_ I meditated touching my mirror. I can hear multiple voices now urging me to keep contact with her, but she’s asleep. I did the only thing I could, pour calm through our connection, easing her rest. _

_ Dad brought me food, water and urged me to rest. Eventually, my body passed out from exhaustion. _

_ When I woke, I couldn’t feel her at all. _

  
  



	8. Ben age 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has now been silent for four years.

Rey has now been silent for four years.

Absent, not gone. Uncle Luke thinks I would feel it if she had been killed. So, I keep looking for her and learning along the way.

I have found some ways the force can be blocked. There is a darkside ability called Force Breach, that actually mimics rupturing one's connection to the force. It makes me wonder just how advanced Snoke is in his Sith training.

Rumor of a reptile-like creature called an ysalamiri is reported to be able to suppress the force by its proximity. But how can the force that connects all life be disrupted by something alive? I have not found one to examine, nor has anyone I have met ever seen one. It’s just a rumor.

There are locations where awareness and connection to the force are limited. Lor San Tekka and I have found writings deep beneath the old Jedi Temple on Coruscant in ancient Sith runes. Did this lead to the Jedi growing weak in the force?

There are devices that can block a wearer’s connection as well. Binders. Collars. Shields that cover an area. 

Every time I worry for my girl, Master Jinn tells me to “let go.”

None of the Masters object to me calling her mine though. Interesting. 

This was confirmed on our last visit to the island. My parents and I were sharing a meal with uncle Luke and his students. Hennix had asked after Rey and I told him of my unease of not being able to feel my girl. Voe had started on the rules against attachment. Normally, I would ignore her but I was uncomfortable that evening and reminded her that I was not a Jedi. I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I added that she would do well to mimic her Master’s views until she learned the reasoning behind them. Then I told her plainly that none of the Masters disputed that Rey was mine. 

There had been a whispered laugh on the air.  _ That’s because they can not argue that the two of you are deeply connected _ .

The still silence that had followed had all the students looking at their very calm Master. My parents had grasped hands, my father whispering into my mother’s ear.

So I spoke aloud. “The force is sentient and has a purpose that we are supposed to discover. It has a purpose in connecting Rey and myself.”

_ Yes _

“The dark side lies.”

_ It does. _

“You see our connection?”

_ I do, but her end is in shadow. _

“You have navigated those shadows before, Grandfather. Will you try to guide my girl? Illuminate her to the pitfalls from which she once protected me?”

I caught Luke’s eye and he nodded in acceptance. I couldn’t look at my mother.

_ If I can get to her, I might not be able to return. _

“You can say no. I’ll find a way to..”

_ I will go. Climb to the temple and meditate. _

I made the climb, every step brought another memory of my sweet girl, until I sat at the summit and opened my mind around the mirror and let the light of the temple flow over it. She’s ten years younger than I, so hopeful and full of light. Sees the force as strings that connect, in a rainbow of colors. Inquisitive. Cherished by her parents and for four years now… alone.

No. Not alone. Never alone.

She still has me.

a nd

Wherever she is, she will now have another.

When I opened my eyes, I was not alone either. Uncle Luke, Hennix, Tai, my mother… even Voe… they were all with me.

“I can’t feel him anymore.” Surprisingly that came from my mother.

Luke, however, had seen something familiar in the meditation. “Vatine.”

An Imperial Research Lab he had visited after the battle of Endor. He told me to take Tekka with me, and a backup unit. 

My mother assigned me Poe Dameron. Sometimes, I think she hates me.

Poe is this weird mix of smart ass, skirt chaser and hot shot. It’s all an act. The man can fly though, so he might prove useful.

Tekka and I met up with Dameron and his team in orbit. When we landed, the unit came to attention. It took me a moment to realize the honor was for me. 

Dameron was professional for once, simply requesting that my guest and I stay in the middle of the formation. They were very efficient, clearing through the empty facility and a little frustrated when we reached the main research lab in the center of the pyramid. It was completely deserted.

Then, a feeling.

We needed to go down.

Dameron didn’t like me taking the lead, but as I opened my mind fully to my surroundings, there was something… foul.

I found a passage in a locker room, stairs going down and stepped back to let the unit go first. 

“Solo,” Dameron called from the shadows. As I turned, I ignited my saber to illuminate a corpse on the floor.

It was Snoke… and he had been dead for a while, his robes from the senate still had scarring from his battle with Luke.

“Lieutenant!”

Dameron ran into the shadows, while Tekka and I stare at Snoke, until he yelled for us to come look.

It was a room full of cloning tanks, all of them deactivated with copies of Snoke. Tekka walked the rows, silent.

Dameron talked, nonstop. 

I wasn’t listening, there was something else. I found a hall that led to a hanger with signs of a battle. Score marks from blasters, crates splintered, burn marks on the deck from a rushed take off. A pile of rubble that had been crushed into the wall by the force of the afterburners. 

And something green.

I knew what it was the moment I touched it. It felt like her. I remembered her mother wrapping it around her tiny body, space is cold.

Rey had been here.

Dameron let me know that a team of scientists and investigators were coming. Tekka urged me back to the ship and set course for the Island while I meditated. 

I didn’t dare touch the mirror, everything in me was urging caution. But the more I studied it the more it… the more the glass looked like liquid, a dark pool of water.

Hennix met me the moment we landed and I handed him the cloak, then turned to look at the ocean breaking on the shore.

I closed my eyes, recentering myself in the balance of the force. The force is simple here. A constant cycle of Rey’s strings.

Then a thought occurred to me. I have been looking for her using the light, when I knew it was the dark that had taken her.

Master Jenn was right. I had to let go, and in letting go. I might just find her.

I checked the stairs, Tekka had not made it to Luke yet. They would be awhile.

I told Hennix that I needed to do something and headed to the far side of the island, my friend on my tail. By the time I reached the cave, Tai and Voe had joined us.

I expected words from Voe, but the feeling I was getting from the three of them was pure acceptance.

I jumped.

They followed.

I still can’t get over that.

The water was cold and led to another mirror… this one the entire wall of the cave.

It was desperate for me to touch it, so I refused.

We sat in front of it and reached for the light. The cave resisted, but we had all brought the light with us. The surface moved and I closed my eyes to see it’s reflection in my mirror.

Bitter cold enveloped me, the low hum of chanting in my ears and I felt my fear, anger and pain rise to choke me. 

No.

Not mine.

I heard the voice of my uncle, calling my name and reached for the murmur of sound through the chants.

I tried to mimic them so he’d know, and I felt his hand on my shoulder pulling me away just as I felt a small hand fold itself into mine.

_ Ben? _

My Rey.

Everything in me wanted to grip her tight, but that was a trap, for both of us. So I gave her the only thing I could.

I yelled at her. “I will find you. You are not alone. Ever.”

I opened my grip and felt her hand slide out of mine, even as she screamed in pain.

The mirror shattered, the fragments piercing my heart and I blacked out.

When I woke, I was in one of the domed buildings, surrounded by my uncle, Hennix, Tai and Voe who were in deep meditation. I joined them, reconnecting to the peace found in the balance. I reviewed what I had seen and felt in the cave, this time detached from the events. She was curled up on a dark floor, symbols etched into her skin. Her eyes devoid of tears, as if she didn’t have any left. A slight lift to her lip when she heard my voice. She had heard me, and I watched hope flare in her eyes and I saw her grip it tight, then bury it where the chanting could not reach.

But when the mirror shattered… her face illuminated with a smile?

Why a smile?

I opened my eyes to Voe laughing. She has decided to like Rey. Go figure.

Luke and I spent the evening discussing the darkness that is surrounding my girl. The chanting was definitely Sith and Tekka floated the possibility of the Sith Eternal’s involvement. 

That gives us new places to look.

As we were packing up to leave, Hennix asked for a moment and pulled uncle Luke aside. I helped Tekka unload our extra supplies since we needed to check in at home anyway. I want Dad’s opinion… and Mom’s. Vantive was an Imperial site, surely they might know others.

Tai and Voe came to say goodbye, and I was momentarily distracted by the force that connects them. I could almost see… threads?

Hennix hugged me, I think he’s the closest I might ever come to a brother. He then told me that he had a puzzle for me. He looked at my uncle and at his nod, handed me a cube. Apparently, a cube that can not be opened. They had all tried. The force had shown Hennix that I would open it. It vibrated in my hand when I accepted it and I quickly put it in my pocket, hugged my uncle then climbed the ramp.

Tekka has been silent this trip, and it’s almost time to relieve him in the cockpit.

I find myself in an odd place, part of me is afraid for my girl and the other part in awe of her. She’s held out for four years.

“Darkness is something each one of us carries inside us,” my uncle had told me. “Acceptance of that is something we all must face.”

Rey.

But my girl is not just surrounded by darkness, she’s surrounded by Sith.

And the fight she’s fighting is not just within.

It is one of survival.


	9. Ben - Age 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are called the Knights of Ren.

_ They are called the Knights of Ren. _

_ One thing about traveling the galaxy to find the truth is that you come across a lot of rumors and superstitions. Shifting through the mess is not always easy. The force helps if you listen. _

_ I continue to update my Journal on the holonet, an aid in my mother's office keeps an eye on the responses. My mother has benefited from my reputation as a truth seeker, they keep asking her to be First Senator. Of course she continues to wish I would discuss what I have learned before I make it public.  _

_ I have a problem with that. In my search for how the Empire rose, secrets played a critical role. That’s why I try to post exactly what I find, leaving the interpretation to others.  _

_ Well, I do try to connect the threads as the force shows them to me. _

_ One side effect of all of it is that Hosnia no longer feels like home. Every time I land, I am plagued by requests for interviews, counsel, business opportunities and way too many politicians wanting my favor, like I’m someone. So I have followed every lead and rumor I can find on my sweet girl to get away from the core. _

_ Still, I had to return for my Father’s birthday. I had barely landed when my ship was surrounded. DeeDee was alarmed, but I recognized my friends immediately. _

_ Hennix, Tai and Voe escorted me straight to my mother’s office and my family all visibly relaxed when I walked in. Apparently, there is a contract with my name on it— Must be doing something right if someone feels that threatened. I was waiting for them to suggest a trip to the Island, but they never once suggested running. _

_ When I asked Dad, he admitted that I was too much like him, we do not do idle well.  _

_ So, I have three new travel companions. _

_ I will admit it. I enjoy them, even Voe, who has finally become comfortable in her own skin. It’s so much easier to train with partners. There’s something potent about group meditation. _

_ I really enjoy sparring with them too. One on one, or sometimes, Hennix and I will challenge Tai and Voe. _

_ Voe likes the new lightsaber I constructed last year. Hennix made me tell them of my trip to Ilum twice. I think he might suspect that three crystals came to me, not just one. _

_ I know the other two are for Rey, if I ever… _

_ When I find her.  _

_ I will never stop looking.  _

_ Everywhere. _

_ The first place they accompanied me was to Naboo for the celebration of the past Queens. I went to represent the family and the robes my mother had made for me were… elaborate. Luckily I have a lightsaber. Voe rolled her eyes as I trimmed off the extra layers, but I needed full range of motion. _

_ The ceremony was beautiful and while we were there, I stopped by my grandmother’s tomb. The presence of my grandfather was still tangible, like he had visited often. I wonder if he has found my girl? _

_ As we headed back to the ship we all felt the warning moments before the attack commenced. It was the dark warriors that had taken my girl and while they had access to the force, they lacked finesse. They use the force more like a club. _

_ It quickly became apparent that assassination was not their goal when they used gas. They want me alive. _

_ In our evasion we didn’t realize that we were being herded to a choke point. Hennix and I were separated from the others as we fled back to the ship, but our way was blocked by two men in masks. _

_ “Get to the ship,” Hennix yelled at me, pushing me away with the force. _

_ I raced to the ramp, but he was sitting there. Waiting. For me. _

_ “Well, hello there,” he said. He then proceeded to tell me that he could feel how strong I was in the force, how he could feel my shadow. _

_ Shadow? Sounds like the Sith to me. _

_ He said his name was Ren, and he wanted me to join them.  _

_ He said the weak were getting ready to be purged from their ranks, and that they would have room for me. _

_ He was immediately challenged. _

_ “Replace me, will you?” The voice was highly modulated behind a helmet and Ren immediately was on the defense. His opponent was small, but fierce, the force flowing around the boy like a river. Ren had him pressed back, but he ignited the second half of his saber and recovered quickly. The boy’s technique is a combination of Juyo and Niman. It was beautiful. _

_ Ren talked throughout the battle, telling his opponent he was no one, not special but how that made him free. Free to act, free to do as he pleased. _

_ I could feel the pull to the dark and the pain that emanated from the boy as he pressed Ren back. I felt the other hunters approach and I withdrew to watch from a distance. They didn’t interfere, in fact I could feel their excitement for blood. _

_ Ren yelled to the others demanding to know about their target and grew frustrated when they ignored him. _

_ Was this how they choose leadership? Trial by combat? His leadership in question until the battle was done? _

_ The boy saw an opening, took it, and Ren fell. _

_ The other 6 bowed to the victor and he gathered the fallen’s saber, attaching it to his belt. _

_ “Back to the ship. He is not going to be pleased that you’ve lost our prey.” They melted into the darkness, leaving the victor standing over Ren. _

_ The helmet turned and looked back at me and I could feel the threads between us pulse as Tai, Hennix and Voe surrounded me. _

_ Rey? _


End file.
